What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 07:39
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My life is so biszare .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She loved him until the end.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
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He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why did i forgive my father ?
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I have no regrets .
So, i spoilt her more .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why would my nipples hurt when I touch them?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It was going to be , some day.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was scared of men, in general
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im still living with it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it wasn’t much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Was to survive, this bastard.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Would this be the day?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Comes on , in middle age.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So whats the point in blame.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But ive been too sick for many years..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I think the readers, may guess!
We were not on the streets..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She wouldn,t have been !
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Ive learnt so much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
This is soul school!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
All the time i was locked up.
She was in good health!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I will be 64.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was 9 years of age.
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
My family never makes their pension either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i lived it daily.
I was seconnd youngest,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Especially a lifetime of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I write beautiful poetry .
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I said to her
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I waited trembling.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.